Dealing

I'm not 100% better...far far from it. I know everyone will think I'm crazy, but we (James & I) are trying to hold out hope that something will happen to stop it. I know deep down that it won't, but I don't think I can let go....yet. So I'm going to try..and hopefully it works..to stay long enough to get my goodbyes in. I'm going to try to treat it like a terminally ill family member/friend. You know they aren't going to make it, but you hope against hope, but you stick around and say your goodbye when needed. Sick analogy I know, but it is what it is. I'm hoping that this train of thought will help me through this. Just wanted to let everyone know my thinking process after a few day of hell. Thank you for being here for me.

D-Day has arrived

The day I've been dreading for a long long time has arrived. I just found out unless there is some miracle, James will be getting married and not to me. I feel so completly empty inside. I knew this day would come, but now I don't know what to do with myself. I feel dead. I had to tell my parents last night. To be honest my mom already knew, but dad didn't...and that didn't go so hot. I never wanted anything so bad as being with him, and I feel utterly stupid and so alone and hurt to the point I don't know if I'll ever heal. I hate being so far away from everyone I truly truly care about, I feel like I have to go through this without a support system. I know I have my family, but I've always relied on my friends to get me through any problem I've had with a guy. I won't be answering my phone for a few days, at least until I can get a grip and not sob hysterically when his name is mentioned. I wish I could get go into a coma and wake up when it won't hurt anymore. But I know I have to face this head on to get closure and attempt to move on some how. I guess I should look at the bright side, I can control myself and be committed to someone for almost a year, that's a big thing for me.

La La La

So not a lot has gone on this week. Got called into work on Friday..that sucked but I need $$. I haven't heard back from Columbus State, but they told me I wouldn't hear from them until this week. Which was fine with me, but I get asked by the same people everyday heard anything yet? Which makes me nervous like maybe I should know something by now. Oh well.

Sorry this is so short, but I really didn't do much this week. Very, very dull.

Different

Ok well this week is a little odd. I'm still getting used to being called Aunt Amie...haha she can call me AA..just thought about that. I'm a dork. Anyway, James' work week is crazy this week, but at least its keeping him down here. I do feel bad for him he is so tired tonight. He work 3rd last night and then had special duty for road construction from 7am -5pm except it got extended to 7pm. And he works 3rd tonight and was supposed to do road duty again from 7am -5pm, but he got someone to cover the 1st half for him. The best part about that is he's staying at my place for the next few days. So its definately different I'm used to my crap being thrown everywhere, but now his is too.

Also I had my interview @ Columbus State. Not sure how it went there were parts that were ok, but I was soo nervous. To make it worse I had to interview with 3 people at the same time, so instead of one set of eyes staring at me making me crazy there were 3! So I should find out in a week. If I get the job I'll be making about $4 more an hour and get nice benefits one benefit being free school! Woo Hoo!

Happy Times

My Dad is officially a Grandpa and loving it! Of course we all knew he would..lol Trinity Beth Parker was born May 16, 2009 @ 6:27pm 19.5in and 6lbs 15oz. She's is adorable and has everyone wrapped around her tiny little fingers. Of course she has the Parker strawberry blonde hair and she looks like Eric. She came home from the hospital today and Grandpa got to show her off to the people at work. In case you were wondering Mom and baby are healthy and doing fine. There were some small complications Lydia's bp was really high, but everyone is doing fine now. Eric has taken to fatherhood very well, he loves to hold her and dotes on her like crazy. Can we say Daddy's Little Girl..haha! I'll try to put some pics up of her soon, she is soo cute!

What What in the Butt!

So as I said before you never know how my mood will be towards James. Right now we are doing well. I think I'm just trying to enjoy the little bit that I might have with him. He was telling me options he was thinking about, for ways to avoid his ex moving in with him. One of the options he was considering was moving me in with him. But that wouldn't really work since I work 3rds. But I never in a million years would have thought he would have liked for me to move in. But on to better news..yes I have moderately decent news!

I have a job interview on Tuesday!! Its for a dispatch position with Columbus State. So something is looking up for me...finally!

Why do I put myself through this?

Despite the joyous news that one of my favorite couples is going to have baby #2 (so excited), my life can still get turned around. James is talking to me again..kind of. We actually hung out today, for a little bit. Long enough for him to tell me he may be moving his ex wife into his home. I know there is no romantic feelings there, and its b/c he needs a sitter for his kids since he is coming back to the PD part time on 3rd shift. But still, how much can one person deal with?! To top it off, I should be excited b/c we will be working together 2 days a week now, but honestly I kind of wish he wasn't going to be on my shift. If things end I really don't want to have to see him, and for the first time in a long time I really don't have the urge to call or talk to him. I think I've finally reached my breaking point. But with me who knows I'll probably be gushing about how amazing he is tomorrow. I doubt it but you never know.

Well as weeks go this one is pretty crappy. Not only am I sick, but James and I are fighting again. No reason to go into the details. It's the same fight just a different week. Of course he gets to give me the silent treatment, so who knows what he's thinking. At least with being sick I get to sleep through most of my day and stay drugged up on cold meds. Then I don't have to really concentrate or think about what's going wrong. That's all for now.

Next!

So I had to get up really early Saturday morning...I know no biggie for me, but it was for my civil service test for a new job. The questions were really mostly no brainers. They all were dispatch related so, if I do my job well then I did a good job...in theory. When I got done poor James was calling he was being stalked by his neighbor..creepy lady before 11 am.

The last half of my week was pretty good. James stayed at my place on Thursday..OMG! He hasn't stayed over there in a long time. And I stayed @ his place on Friday night b/c my test was 10min. from his house...made sense. The worse part of the weekend is the fact that I got a nice burn on my chest..OUCH! It hurts. Got it from watching him do lawn work...yippee.

This afternoon will be Lydia and Eric's baby shower. I still have to get them a gift. Last minute shopper..that's me! And I'm going to James' for breakfast in the am. Lots of driving

That's what I've been up to the past few days...nothing to exciting.